There were lines of treadmills, Nordic tracks and step machines with every possible accoutrement. You could hardly recognise the exercise bikes; partly because they were dwarfed by the walking machines, and partly because, most of them just did not look like bikes.The originator of this expedition – Mister Dejevsky, in case you had forgotten – made a beeline for one of the few contraptions that actually resembled a bicycle rather than a self-propelled rickshaw. It was a sleek red and black number with a recognisable saddle, but strangely backward handlebars and a fearsome amount of what appeared to be computerisation up front. “Aha,” said the lady in the store, “the top of the line, the one for professional athletes.”I cannot stress how little either myself or Mr Dejevsky resembles a professional athlete, still less at that particular moment – an hour after a brunch of pancakes and maple syrup (me), and Cajun chicken burger and fries (him). Anyway, he hopped on; one foot slipped immediately off its pedal.

He spun the wheels, adjusted the tension, but the wheels were soon whizzing so fast out of control that the lady intervened, like a terrified driving instructor The price tag? $899 (£640), plus sales tax. The simpler bikes – without the red trim and presumably much else – were upwards of $600.”For the professionals,” we said by way of goodbye and decided to try the new-tech route instead. The internet offered new revelations, such as proof that a straightforward exercise bike, not loaded with technological features, is either the dinosaur of the fitness world or the only thing people are actually using. So far as bikes are concerned, the auction website ebay lists only three possibilities, none of which proves to be a genuine exercise bike, while it has dozens and dozens of treadmills, tracks and heart monitors.Sears advertises four models, only one of which bears any resemblance to a normal bike. Frighteningly complicated treadmills and weight machines come in many more varieties, upwards of $600 – very far upwards.For sake of comparison, I took a look at British internet shopping prospects. A couple of solid and recognisable exercise bikes were available for £120 to £150.

The first two treadmills on the Argos website cost less than £150 and have the considerable advantage of being non-motorised. What was that again? An exercise bike that you actually have to propel yourself? To put the whole exercise equipment scene in its true international and sociological context, you could try placing the Sears and Argos lists side by side. Sears starts with complicated weight and multi-purpose training machines running into thousands of dollars, while the Argos list is topped by a skipping rope at a cost of £3.50.. What will the Simon Schamas of centuries to come make of this canine conundrum, with his alien suits, devil outfits and anthropomorphic posturing – not to mention the endless speculation over his provenance? Was he really born on Earth or did he come from outer space? And what else could that herald, if not the end of civilisation as we know it?

What will the Simon Schamas of centuries to come make of this canine conundrum, with his alien suits, devil outfits and anthropomorphic posturing – not to mention the endless speculation over his provenance? Was he really born on Earth or did he come from outer space? And what else could that herald, if not the end of civilisation as we know it?
Then again, maybe the historians will hail Mr Winkle as the very embodiment of the American Dream.