Did you edit my psychotherapy piece there, Meredith?” Meredith: “I did, Victoria. “I love that salt,” says Victoria.Before she goes on to admire my Artexed ceiling and the oven door, which comes off its hinges, I ask Victoria and Meredith how long they have known each other.Victoria: “Oh, years Since Harpers, when Nicholas Coleridge was editor. Quite the best kind.” Victoria: “You poor thing, have you been slaving all day?”I put the salt, still its packet, on the table. It sent shivers down me.”7pm: I take my fish pie (Jamie Oliver, The Return of the Naked Chef, page 158) out the oven Victoria: “Oh, fish pie! Yum You are so kind.”Meredith: “My fave And with frozen peas. “Do you know, Richard wears more make-up than Judy? They’re terribly professional, though, and I loved having my name on the dressing-room door. “We were on Richard and Judy’s couch yesterday,” Victoria says. She then adds, with wonderful comic timing: “Oh, what a relief!”Are they enjoying celebritydom? Rather, I would say.

“And why was she wearing a marquee?” adds Meredith.Victoria says that since the first programme was broadcast, “everyone has been phoning me to say I’ll never be invited anywhere again”. The previous evening’s episode had featured the gay cellist Jamie and his fat, sullen long-lost sister “Such a furious pig,” says Victoria. Each week Victoria and Meredith expertly cast their eyes over some hapless person’s attempt at entertaining. It’s a genre that’s been given the rather worrying tag of Dominatrix TV. “I thought I was coming round to watch a TV programme…” We explain that The Dinner Party Inspectors is Channel 4’s latest lifestyle show, in the style of What Not to Wear and How Clean is Your House?. “That is the must-have handbag,” Victoria declares ecstatically Stuart, who could be quicker on the uptake, is perplexed. “I love it!” “George at Asda, £3.99,” says Lisa, who, I know now, cannot be trusted in sophisticated social situations.”Oh, I love the high street,” says Victoria “Everything I am wearing today is from Marks & Spencer I love my silk combats.”My friends Stuart and Louise arrive Louise’s handbag is much admired.

(At one point Victoria refers to something as “taking us for midships”.) Pop, fzz Andrew’s wife Lisa arrives Victoria is most enthusiastic about Lisa’s T-shirt. Certainly, I’ve fallen for their fraitfully posh use of language. It’s established that Andrew is a primary-school teacher.Victoria: “Oh, brilliant.”Meredith: “What fun.”Victoria: “Are you allowed to hit the little whippersnappers?”I am beginning to enjoy myself. I am a nervous hostess and am at it like billyoh.6.30pm: My friend Andrew arrives.

“I used to be [the city journalist] Christopher Fildes’s cat-minder, and he’s a great one for dinner parties where there are always cat paw-marks in the butter.” Pop, fzz Pop, fzz. I ask how they feel about cats walking across the table we are about to eat from “I don’t have a problem with that,” says Victoria. She has part of an ear missing and is bad-tempered and smelly.) “I love cats and cats love me,” announces Meredith. Some people are a bit funny about that sort of thing.”My ancient cat takes a leisurely stroll across the kitchen table “What a beautiful cat,” says Victoria (She is not.